Holding His Unchanging Hand: Writing My Own Mom Story

Shelby is five months today. It has been an extraordinary five months learning how to adjust to a new little life in our home, striving to remain a married lover as well as a mommy, discovering the art of listening for cues as to what a tiny, squalling creature is trying to communicate, and watching the Lord lead day by day. I have shared with you my birth story, the story of God’s provision and guidance in the first moments of my daughter’s life. Now let me share with you His guidance in writing the first five months of my mom story.

On June 10th, I sat in our living room with my fuzzy-headed three-day-old lying on my lap. I simply gazed at her, stroking her tiny starfish hands, drinking in every miraculous moment. My heart overflowed with praise, thanksgiving and wonder. Suddenly, my entire being filled with dread and fear.

To be quite frank, I have experienced very little fear or apprehension at bringing a new life into the world and the accompanying complexities. I do not fear my child or much of anything that comes with motherhood. I know I will make my mistakes and I will learn from them. I was desperate to leave the hospital after Shelby was born to begin the newest adventure in my life, take care of my baby, and sleep in my bed (if your idea of a hospital stay with a newborn is one of rest, think again!). Once home, there was nothing that stood in my way of being able to rock this mom thing – except one.

There are so many opinions and so much advice that is thrust upon a woman from the moment the new life growing in her belly is revealed that, unfortunately, this can cause a new mother to question the very intuition the Creator of her child placed within her. The issue that caused such dread for me is not the subject of this post, but it is controversial in nature, thereby ensuring many differing points of view with no lack of expression and recommendations of corresponding books.

I am an avid reader and have several books pertaining to the very subject I was dreading. But in that moment, God again spoke to my heart as He had three days before. He quieted my fears and showed me that if I would stay close enough to hear Him, He would be my guide and would show me the answer for the questions I had. I began to realize that it is my privilege to embrace the instincts and develop the common sense I already posses.

As I have walked in the light of Mother’s Intuition, I am reminded that I don’t have all the answers right now, and I don’t have to. I just need “enough light for the step I’m on.” I just need to make each decision as it comes. If it’s the wrong one, I’ll make a new one. If it goes against the advise of the day, so be it. Yes, I still read lots of books and have several that I recommend. But this is my own story, and I get to write it. If somewhere along the way I find I don’t like the story line, I can change it. All I need is to hold on to God’s unchanging hand.

Nesting Heart and Home

What a year 2010 was! With the beginning came not resolution on my part, but a still, small voice telling me things were going to change, to grow, and, as I waited on the Lord, I would find the truth of who I was, who I was to become. I felt it impressed on me that I was to stay home and to create and settle into a warm and secure refuge. In essence, it was to be a year of nesting. I didn’t see this as heavy, frightening, or even exciting at the time, but simply a peaceful comfort to my stressed and tired mind.

I had spent the last three years searching for God’s call on my life. This quest found me at the end of 2009 with my fingers in many proverbial pots and I was feeling the pressure and becoming exhausted. So I contentedly accepted the reprieve and asked God to grant me the grace and wisdom to understand and accomplish what He had for me to do.

The year’s adventures began at the end of January clothed in pain and trauma, yet adorned with hope and possibilities. We never got to know about our baby before the miscarriage. As my body healed, my heart gave the sacrifice of praise. I began creating and settling into a warm and secure refuge by presenting my praise in writing. Soon, as He said, God began to show me a large part of who I was to become, and I was offered a stay-at-home writing job that was quickly turned into a promising career.

Watching and recognizing God’s provision in His plan for things to change and grow in my life gave even greater motivation to “nest” our home, our refuge, for what may still come. A sense of great purpose filled my soul.

The year progressed with a flurry of activities and work. Never one to miss the fun, busyness, and party that is life, I participated happily and fully. Then came an unexpected and surprising opportunity to adopt an unborn child. Was this the purpose I was to fulfill? Was this how God was to show me who I was to become? My husband and I searched out the possibility while staying in prayer, but this baby was not to be ours. I went back to the flurry of activities, but the year was finding its way fast into a beautiful Colorado fall. My job was multiplying and life was rolling on fast and furiously.

And then, on October 27th, I understood 2010’s complete picture. Two pink lines provided the answer to why I was to stay home, why I was to nest our home, why I was to create and settle into a warm and secure refuge, and who I was to become.

I am excited, I am blessed. As I look forward to everything that 2011 holds, I am preparing not only my home, but my heart. Raising and molding a child is an awesome and heavy responsibility, one that I know I can only handle through God’s grace and strength. And so, I am nesting…nesting my home, nesting my heart, creating and settling into my warm and secure refuge of God’s grace and strength.